Things I am tired of as a mother

Motherhood is awesome. We can all pretty much agree there. Well, most of us anyway. We love our babies with a fierce passion and if anyone tries to mess with our little boogers we will pounce on them faster than you can say Kim Kardashian has a big booty.

However, there are a FEW things I could do without. There are a few things that if given oodles of money for the rest of my life, I may very well pay someone else to do, because frankly? After 3 kids I am growing a wee bit, little bit a lot tired of them.

1) Teething: Yup. Over it. I honestly don’t know how Michelle Duggar stands it. I mean seriously. She has probably dealt with straight teething for like 500 years by know. Yeesh. I am grateful that my children overall have not been (TOO) terrible. But frankly? I am tired of the crud that comes with it, and the sleep issues. And the early waking. Yup. I admit it. Teething sucks

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2) Grunting and pointing like a crazed caveman: My children all have done this. My current “baby” is almost 18 months, and nothing frustrates me more than the frantic pointing and grunting toward something he wants, when I know he knows words. They point and flail, scream in frustration that we don’t speak grunt, point and flail, scream even louder in frustration. This continues until either a) the child gives up and finally uses their words or b) you have now spent over 2 hours picking up everything within finger pointing sight saying “this?” — Just to let you know, option b is far more common.

*warning: If they do not want said item you pick up and hand them, prepare to be a target for flying missiles that will hit you on some sensitive part of your body. It is probably best to wear armor daily until your child is over this “phase”.

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3) Poop: enough said

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4) Wiping butts: Their little baby cheeks may be adorably squishy… but the stuff that comes out of it? Not so much, especially when you have a poop machine child like I do. See #3.

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5) Cleaning up after a toddler that decided to be Picasso with their food, rather than eating it, which, let’s be honest. Happens A LOT.

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6) Picky Eating: So your toddler is an amazing eater and ate sauteed mushrooms wrapped in asparagus wrapped in lettuce wrapped covered with greek yogurt? Don’t get too cocky. In 5 minutes you will be wearing that food and getting a free yogurt facial.

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I love my little babes though. Even with all the things I get tired of, being a mama is still worth it. But I will be honest, I would totally pay for a diaper changer…

❤ XOXO
~Emily

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Mommy Mishap: Poop Edition

So, on my facebook the other day, I said I was going to write a blog about my awesome mommy mishap of the day. I am sure it won’t sound as funny now that it is being written and already happened, but oh well. If I can make a few people laugh, then it will be worth it 😉 HAHA.

As I said on my status, for those of you who see my FB… it involved poop. Go ahead and cringe now, though I think this is one 4 letter word us mom’s  probably say quite frequently, and any other form of the word. Poop, poo poo, poopie, whatever. If it stinks and is brown, we probably have had some sort of mishap with it.

So, this is the tale of such a mishap. It not only involves poop, but stairs as well… not a good combo when poop involved.

It was Thursday morning around 8:45 am. Katie has preschool at 9:00. I am frantically trying to get out of the door, so that she is not late. We are only a couple minutes away by car, so if I can get them in the car and on the road by 10 till, we are doing well. Well, I do not know why, but I REALLY think Holly has this radar that goes off in her hiney region that tells her to poop when it is WORST possible time, like the bathtub for instance, or right when we walk into Target and I forgot a spare diaper. Well, the hiney poop radar must have gone off and the doors opened, because one tiny whiff sent a scent that would make a maggot cringe through the air up into my nostrils. Holly had pooped, and it was now 8:47. THREE min I told myself. I have THREE min to get into the car. I did NOT want Katie to be late. She had never been late before! I began having visions of the white rabbit screaming “You’re late you’re late, for a very important date!!!” and hopping frantically around the room like an OCD person on speed. OK, who am I kidding, I am the white rabbit. I am the OCD person, only I am hopped up on (pun intended lol) on caffeine instead of speed.

I knew I was pretty fast at changing a diaper, but a poop diaper? a TEETHING poop diaper at that, come on mom’s, you know what I mean! EEK. Well, I changed the diaper in about 30 seconds. I was proud of myself and thinking that we would make it on time! YESSSSS GO ME! Well, the diaper genie is in the basement. I put it there on purpose. 1) I don’t want it stinking up the main areas of the house and 2) The up and down stair action is good for my glutes 😉 HAHA.

WELL…. I open the basement door and proceed to kinda gallop down the stairs to put the dirty diaper into the pail. Since Holly had JUST gotten up and eaten breakfast, she still had her nighttime diapers on. We put her in 2 diapers at night to prevent pee soak-age on the pj’s, though it still happens even still, geez, so she had TWO diapers on. The poop was not only tightly sealed in the one she pooped in itself, but ALSO had another protective casing of another diaper around it, ALSO tightly sealed.

Well, as I was going down the stairs, my foot caught something. I am not sure what, I do not recall. It was probably those gnomes again putting some invisible string there for kicks. I began tumbling down the stairs, trying desperately to catch myself. I have visions of me smacking my head on the vacuum handle and beginning to bleed profusely. What would the girls do? How would I call 911 for myself if I was knocked unconcious? Would I sit there bleeding until Andrew got home? How would the girls eat? or sleep? Or anything!? AND what would the house look like after I came to!? Would they have had a party and invited all the cool toddlers on the block? Would our home be known as the “happiest toddler house on the block?” As I was falling I was making a mental note to teach Katie to dial 911 PRONTO! I tried grabbing the railing, but that only made it worse, because then my foot caught the lunchbox cooler thingy. Why was it sitting there!?!? WHO PUT THAT THERE  I was yelling to myself, and probably another choice word as well, I admit. I was almost falling in slow motion. It was almost like a sitcom where you see someone falling in slow motion yelling a foul word and because its in slow motion it comes out in the wierd low, muffled tone voice “CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” haha. Well, I am thankful for whoever put that there, because it at least slowed gravity down enough that I didn’t smack my head onto the vacuum handle, therefore no bleeding, therefore no being knocked unconscious, therefore the girls could eat lunch and nap and there would be no toddlers trashing my newly fall decorated home. PHEW.

Well, as I was falling, the diapers went a little crazy. I was trying to hold onto them to avoid being splattered by poop. When I finally regained my composure at the foot of the stairs, as well as my balance, ok, and breath… I looked and saw that not only had the protective extra diaper come undone, but the SECOND poop filled diaper was open and now missing its contents.

OH. MY.GOSH. Where the CRAP is the POOP!? The poop is missing. It was like 8:49 at this point. I am screwed I thought. I can’t find the poop, Katie will be late for preschool, and I will come home now perfumed with ode poop fragrance by Holly. OK, forget preschool,I HAVE to find the poop. NOW. I looked on the stairs. NO POOP. I looked in the extra diaper, maybe it had gotten sandwiched between the 2 diapers and was now all smashed, well no poop. WHERE in the HECK did the poop go!? Then I smelled it. The pungent odor. I knew it had to be laying around somewhere, the warm, soft, smooshy brown ball of mush. I started looking around. It wasn’t at the bottom of the stairs where my head almost landed, it wasn’t even NEAR the stairs. It was not on the floor anywhere.

Finally, I saw it. The brown ball of goo. Sitting in a teal box among aurora, belle, ariel, some musical instruments and a electric blue panda. CRAP. The poop had landed in the TOY BOX! There was a towel nearby. I picked up the poop, stuck it back in the diaper, put the diaper in the pail, cleaned the poop of the royal princesses, and walked up the stairs… then washed my hands. TWICE. I put the girls in the car, and SOMEHOW managed to get Katie to preschool with 1 min to spare.

So there ya have it. My mushy, smelly, brown, stinky, mushy mom mishap. I am SO over poop. I guess each child has to have a poop mishap. I had it with Katie when I thought I had baby food prunes on my ring, so I just licked it off. Yup. It wasn’t prunes….

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Ok, so I dont think I ever told of my WORST mommy mishap ever. It involved prunes….

When Katie was a baby, she loved her some prunes. Weird, I know. Though, I must admit, those Sunsweet Ones prunes are pretty good actually! Anyway she was gobbling them up as I was feeding her. She got excited and tried to take the spoon from me. She also liked to raspberry on me as well…with a mouth full of food….

So, I had my wedding rings on…

I noticed some prunes in the band…

Gross as it is, I was like eh what the heck. I’ll just lick it off.

Well… Lets just say, it wans’t prunes!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

So this is NOW why I do NOT wear my rings when home with the babes…and why I dont buy prunes anymore LOL!!!

No “Poop” for you

So, what is YOUR worst mommy mishap? HA – can you top that one!? I am sure, as a mom though, we have ALL inhaled unknown, gross, bodily fluids of all kinds. Pee, poop, puke, you name it, we’ve probably eaten it haha

Poop is (NOT) a toy

Poop, Crap, Taking a dump, Sh**, poo poo, poopie, thelist could PROABLY go on…there are many names for this “wonderful”, natural (and smelly!) occurance. Anyone who is a mom knows that poop is just something that comes with the territory.  We take our kids crap…literally.  We wipe their hiney’s, and SOMETIMES, even get the privilege or bicycling their cute little squishy fatso legsm or poking and proding up in the pooper hole, to get the poop to come out when its backed up so far you are worried you will need a “dump” truck to haul it away (haha yes I said DUMP truck on purpose) THEN, by the time they are old enough to wipe for themselves, we will need someone to wipes ours,or we will be needing our daily glass of prune juice to keep ourselves regular. Haha ok just kidding, not really, but eventually…ugh not looking forward to that… Now, don’t get me wrong. There are MANY aspects of motherhood I like, but poop is NOT my top favorite. It follows second only to being PUKED on as “my top 10 WORST things you GET to deal with as a mom” I will have to write another blog about all of them later.  No matter HOW gross we think poop is, babies dont seem to GET that. They seem to think something warm and squishy and fun textures (am I making you vomit yet? at least a little, you know like where you vomit a little in your mouth, then swallow it? HAHAHA) is something fun to play with. SICK! POOP IS NOT A TOY! OMG really!? If you WANT to play in something squishy there are OTHER alternatives. LETS see…. shaving cream! whip cream (and its good to eat too!) play dough! Though that may not be good for a baby either, considering the slogan says “playdoh is to play with NOT to eat” though I think i would rather my kid eat playdoh than there OWN fecal matter. LOL! Thankfully Holly hasn’t covered herself in it, though I STILL think she finds it funny. Whenever she poops, she does this little bounce up and down on her butt and laughs dance. She is sitting up and just goes up and down up and down. GROSS. she must like the feeling of it sliding around. LOL. I am not sure, but whatever it is, its gross. You ask her if she has a stinky diaper and she looks at you, smiles and laughs, then shakes her head no, when you know DARN well she does – for heaven’s sake, you could smell the diaper form China probably. It’s THAT bad. Seriously. This child had BETTER get getting a tooth…if she isnt’, OMG I will need a gas mask for when she actually DOES. I have literally gagged and thrown up a little in my mouth once with her poops. They are DISGUISTING! Then, when you go to change her, she proceed to ROLL AROUND IN IT, then it winds up on my hands, the carpet, the changing pad, and anything else that her rear end comes into contact with. Does she care? NO. Does she laugh? YES. Lord have mercy, help me… this child is NOT gonna take to potty training well…

Top 10 things I could do WITHOUT as a new mom ;)

 

10) Living in lounge clothes. . .OR your pajamas. . .Wait? there’s a difference?

9) Trying to teach a baby the difference between night and day, UNsuccessfully! Reasoning with a baby at 3 am in the morning just doesnt’ seem to work, and you can’t always FORCE a baby to stay awake – unless the baby LIVES in the bathtub (though even Holly almost fell asleep in there the other day! GAH! LOL)

8) Changing 5 poopy diapers. . .IN A ROW! haha

7) Being pooped ON during those 5 diaper changes

 6) Smelling like puke and spit up

5) Being puked ON

4) Is it 3 am or pm? I really just don’t know. My days and nights aren’t confused, they just run together!

3) Dark circles under my eyes and looking like the Bride of Frankenstein most times

2) Being primary care giver, which is a blessing, don’t get me wrong, but its a 24/7  job, which is exhausting at times

1) LACK OF SLEEP! Sleeping like a baby is a crock. They seem to sleep when you don’t want  them to and not sleep when you do! If a baby could be born “sleeping through the night”, even 6 hours, I would have dozens! haha, maybe, course then I would have to relive teenage years too. I havent even gotten there yet and I am already scared haha!

Worst Mommy

Ok, so I should definately get the title of WORST MOMMY!  Last night, Katie did NOT sleep well.  She really didn’t do terrible, but for her, she slept bad.  We could tell something was bothering her.  At this point, haha, it has to be teeth, so on the fourth time she made noise, Andrew went in and gave her motrin.  She would just wake up and cry a few times like something hurt, and go back to sleep.  So, around 4:50am, on the 4th time, she woke up screaming and wouldn’t really calm down. So, I was like ok, we should give her medicine.  Andrew agreed.  He gave it to her, calmed her and came back to sleep.  She went back to sleep, we thought.  Every 10-20 minutes she was whining again, but not super duper all out crying or anything, and it wasn’t lasting very long.  So, we let her be.  Well at 6 when she was STILL doing it, I was like what is the deal, poor dear, we gave her meds.  Well, she usually gets up around 7:30.   So, at 6:30, I decided to go lay with her and hopefully she would get rest, because clearly she wasn’t sleeping and was tired.  SO, I go in and SMELL IT! She had pooped!!!! OMG We felt AWFUL!  That is probably what woke her up screaming at 5:00 and andrew just didn’t smell it quite yet, lol.  So, of course, how could you go back to sleep with poop in your pants!?  Plus, a sign of teething in many babies I have known is runier poop, which hers has been lately. . .this and other things, we think its the teething, hence the reason we assumed she just needed motrin because it was bothering her more last night.  So, poor thing, I changed her diaper and she immediately conked RIGHT back out and slept until 8:00 and she is STILL exhausted.  I FEEL TERRIBLE! EEK!

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Ok, so I am not sure what to write today.  I know I have not been too good at blogging lately, so I am at least trying to write SOMETHING 🙂  I have something gross I can say!  I think Katie likes to save her gross, mushy, runny poops for me and does the nice formed ones for Andrew!  HAHAHAHA.  I think that is a sign of teething.  Teething is SO confusing.  I knew katie would be late getting teething, because I was.  Some days her gums look swollen, 3 bottom slots and the 2 upper slots.  But, we are first time parents, what do WE know.  I would think even if she gets a tooth at the time I did, she would in in process now, which would explain the runny poops, drool, and how the past few nights she has woken up crying.  YAY for Katie, she does put herself back to sleep, but I feel bad she isn’t sleeping well.  ANYHOO!  Anyone know how long teething takes?  I read they can have all the signs and symptoms for 2-3 months!!!! YIKES!  Also, since she is late, I am SURE she will get more than one at a time, which could be why she seems like something is bothering her more lately.  Ok, so I have talked about baby poop, I think i am done for the day.  Peace out! haha 🙂