So, on my facebook the other day, I said I was going to write a blog about my awesome mommy mishap of the day. I am sure it won’t sound as funny now that it is being written and already happened, but oh well. If I can make a few people laugh, then it will be worth it 😉 HAHA.
As I said on my status, for those of you who see my FB… it involved poop. Go ahead and cringe now, though I think this is one 4 letter word us mom’s probably say quite frequently, and any other form of the word. Poop, poo poo, poopie, whatever. If it stinks and is brown, we probably have had some sort of mishap with it.
So, this is the tale of such a mishap. It not only involves poop, but stairs as well… not a good combo when poop involved.
It was Thursday morning around 8:45 am. Katie has preschool at 9:00. I am frantically trying to get out of the door, so that she is not late. We are only a couple minutes away by car, so if I can get them in the car and on the road by 10 till, we are doing well. Well, I do not know why, but I REALLY think Holly has this radar that goes off in her hiney region that tells her to poop when it is WORST possible time, like the bathtub for instance, or right when we walk into Target and I forgot a spare diaper. Well, the hiney poop radar must have gone off and the doors opened, because one tiny whiff sent a scent that would make a maggot cringe through the air up into my nostrils. Holly had pooped, and it was now 8:47. THREE min I told myself. I have THREE min to get into the car. I did NOT want Katie to be late. She had never been late before! I began having visions of the white rabbit screaming “You’re late you’re late, for a very important date!!!” and hopping frantically around the room like an OCD person on speed. OK, who am I kidding, I am the white rabbit. I am the OCD person, only I am hopped up on (pun intended lol) on caffeine instead of speed.
I knew I was pretty fast at changing a diaper, but a poop diaper? a TEETHING poop diaper at that, come on mom’s, you know what I mean! EEK. Well, I changed the diaper in about 30 seconds. I was proud of myself and thinking that we would make it on time! YESSSSS GO ME! Well, the diaper genie is in the basement. I put it there on purpose. 1) I don’t want it stinking up the main areas of the house and 2) The up and down stair action is good for my glutes 😉 HAHA.
WELL…. I open the basement door and proceed to kinda gallop down the stairs to put the dirty diaper into the pail. Since Holly had JUST gotten up and eaten breakfast, she still had her nighttime diapers on. We put her in 2 diapers at night to prevent pee soak-age on the pj’s, though it still happens even still, geez, so she had TWO diapers on. The poop was not only tightly sealed in the one she pooped in itself, but ALSO had another protective casing of another diaper around it, ALSO tightly sealed.
Well, as I was going down the stairs, my foot caught something. I am not sure what, I do not recall. It was probably those gnomes again putting some invisible string there for kicks. I began tumbling down the stairs, trying desperately to catch myself. I have visions of me smacking my head on the vacuum handle and beginning to bleed profusely. What would the girls do? How would I call 911 for myself if I was knocked unconcious? Would I sit there bleeding until Andrew got home? How would the girls eat? or sleep? Or anything!? AND what would the house look like after I came to!? Would they have had a party and invited all the cool toddlers on the block? Would our home be known as the “happiest toddler house on the block?” As I was falling I was making a mental note to teach Katie to dial 911 PRONTO! I tried grabbing the railing, but that only made it worse, because then my foot caught the lunchbox cooler thingy. Why was it sitting there!?!? WHO PUT THAT THERE I was yelling to myself, and probably another choice word as well, I admit. I was almost falling in slow motion. It was almost like a sitcom where you see someone falling in slow motion yelling a foul word and because its in slow motion it comes out in the wierd low, muffled tone voice “CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” haha. Well, I am thankful for whoever put that there, because it at least slowed gravity down enough that I didn’t smack my head onto the vacuum handle, therefore no bleeding, therefore no being knocked unconscious, therefore the girls could eat lunch and nap and there would be no toddlers trashing my newly fall decorated home. PHEW.
Well, as I was falling, the diapers went a little crazy. I was trying to hold onto them to avoid being splattered by poop. When I finally regained my composure at the foot of the stairs, as well as my balance, ok, and breath… I looked and saw that not only had the protective extra diaper come undone, but the SECOND poop filled diaper was open and now missing its contents.
OH. MY.GOSH. Where the CRAP is the POOP!? The poop is missing. It was like 8:49 at this point. I am screwed I thought. I can’t find the poop, Katie will be late for preschool, and I will come home now perfumed with ode poop fragrance by Holly. OK, forget preschool,I HAVE to find the poop. NOW. I looked on the stairs. NO POOP. I looked in the extra diaper, maybe it had gotten sandwiched between the 2 diapers and was now all smashed, well no poop. WHERE in the HECK did the poop go!? Then I smelled it. The pungent odor. I knew it had to be laying around somewhere, the warm, soft, smooshy brown ball of mush. I started looking around. It wasn’t at the bottom of the stairs where my head almost landed, it wasn’t even NEAR the stairs. It was not on the floor anywhere.
Finally, I saw it. The brown ball of goo. Sitting in a teal box among aurora, belle, ariel, some musical instruments and a electric blue panda. CRAP. The poop had landed in the TOY BOX! There was a towel nearby. I picked up the poop, stuck it back in the diaper, put the diaper in the pail, cleaned the poop of the royal princesses, and walked up the stairs… then washed my hands. TWICE. I put the girls in the car, and SOMEHOW managed to get Katie to preschool with 1 min to spare.
So there ya have it. My mushy, smelly, brown, stinky, mushy mom mishap. I am SO over poop. I guess each child has to have a poop mishap. I had it with Katie when I thought I had baby food prunes on my ring, so I just licked it off. Yup. It wasn’t prunes….