There are days when I write in my journal and words just spew forth from my fingers like vomit from a toddler with the stomach virus. Last night was one of those nights. I apologize in advance that I have a couple of tacky jokes in here, but it was what came out. I was thinking back on my day. I can hear Jamie Lee Curtis screaming at me… “Make good choices!” That is from Freaky Friday, in case ya’ll were wondering, and in my case I just acted freaky. OK. That didn’t sound right, but ahem… anyway, moving on…
Yesterday, I did NOT make good choices. Here is what I wrote in my beloved journal yesterday evening.
MELTDOWN #546 – sigh…
When will I learn!?
When will I stop being a control freak (see, there it is, the word “freak” hence the acting freak-y)
When will I actually LET those help me I ask to help without going into hyperventilation when I am no longer in control, when the thing I wanted help with in the first place was so I didn’t have to be in control!?
Probably when I am dead. That’s when. Dead and in Heaven, aware of my incessant stupidity and standing in front of the one who bore that stupidity on the cross.
I know my emotional explosions hurt those around me, those I love, me… yet I still CHOOSE to explode. Ok, maybe sometimes it is the PMS talking, but really, 99.999999756% of the time I CHOOSE to explode. To overreact. To be a control freak.
Things going well for Emily? Great! I am peachy
Things going not quite as planned? I start to get a little sweaty in places I am embarrassed to admit.
Something happens that I cannot control no matter what I do? I go off the deep end faster than Greg Louganis (ok so that was shallow, err, I mean low, bad, whatever. Sorry. It was what popped in my head at the time)
WHY do I want control? WHY do I feel the need for control?
SELFISH. SIN. NATURE. rearing it’s ugly head.
With Christ I can overcome. He has already won the battle! Things run smoother when HE is in control anyway.
I need to sing me some Carrie Underwood up in this joint and let Jesus take the wheel of my crazy train.
I just wanted to share this because I get it. I get how tiring and draining and exhausting being a mother is some days, and how we think “if I only had more control…” over this or that, such and such, or this child, it would be better, Lord! The truth is, I think sometimes things go wrong BECAUSE we want control rather than allowing the Lord to have control and use us, shape us, and work IN us.
So there ya have it folks. A day in the journal of Emily. I am sure we all struggle with being a control freak sometimes. We all have that selfish desire to want to control. We pray for the Lord to help, and we give it to Him, only to say, but wait, let me have this part back. Just give me this little piece here, oh and that one there, and maybe some of that too. I can handle that, you take the rest Lord. We end up with a bunch of pieces that don’t amount to anything. We need to give our control over to the Lord, once and for all. Let the Lord weave a beautiful tapestry of our lives.
Trust me. Jesus is a much better artist than me.