This morning was TERRIBLE.
Well, in all honesty I left the word “I” out of that sentence. It really should read. This morning *I* was terrible. Why?
I fell victim to the expectation dragon. That’s right. I did. I admit it. You know what? I realize I tend to fall prey to this dragon alot. Maybe this dragon is hot pink with rainbow sparkles or something. This dragon is so beautiful we tend to fall victim to it’s beauty. Then, while we are captivated by it’s remarkable beauty, it strikes. It breaths a hot, smoky, stream of fire down on us, burning up the dreams and plans we were putting together in our little heads.
This is how it went down:
I am 33.5 weeks pregnant. I am short. I am huge. I am uncomfortable. I am cranky…. and I am over the top, ridiculous, call Jerry Springer on my butt emotional. That does NOT pair well with failed expectations. This morning, Andrew’s alarm went off and I woke up. I had to pee. BADLY. I didn’t want to get up because my legs were screaming NOOOOOOOOO, and my body was yelling, in the voice of cookie monster… “ME. WANT. SLEEPY!!!” However, any pregnant woman knows when you have to pee, AND are carrying around an entire extra person, well it is kinda hard to get comfortable when you have to pee. I mean really, it is hard enough to get comfortable when you DON’T. Am I right, or am I right? LOL. So, I curled up next to Andrew, since I was already awake, prayed for him and then waited for him to get up. Yes, people, I did eventually go pee, and no, not on the bed. LOL. I decided to just stay up, because sometimes if I fall back asleep for only an hour or so I end up feeling worse than if I stay up. I thought to myself, how nice, the girls won’t be up for another hour, I have some quiet, alone time…
You can see where this is going, yes?
The girls woke up too. I think kids have some sort of micro chip that sends off vibrations in their body when us moms wake up for the day. The ONLY time they seem to wake up that much earlier than normal is when I decide to try and take advantage of the quiet time.
ALONE TIME FAIL.
I got more than a little upset. To be honest, I completely lost it. I yelled at Holly to go back to sleep (she did not go to bed well last night either, nor nap well, so I KNOW she needed the sleep). I screamed at Katie for waking up whining and therefore waking up her sister. Poor thing cried. I know, I know, I suck. Worst mom of the year, right here. I then texted Andrew a whole slew of word vomit that not only text yelled at him, but I blamed him for being “too loud” when he was getting ready for work. Yeah. It was not a pretty sight, especially since I had awesome bed head and the half asleep look on my face, you know the face where you look kinda hungover. I not only TEXTED Andrew, but when I felt he was not responding fast enough or being kind and loving toward my
frustrations ridiculous outburst, I CALLED HIM. Yup. I did. I blamed him, showed lack of respect, interrupted, and TOTALLY overreacted.
After I calmed down some, thought, and prayed (huh. imagine that. Perhaps I should have done that sooner? Ya think!?) I apologized to Andrew. I didn’t just say I was sorry, I told him specific things I was sorry for. I realized that I was not really mad at the girls for messed up sleep. I was mad because, well, I was selfish. I didn’t want them to be awake because I wanted ME time. I didn’t want to start the day because I wasn’t ready. I wanted to focus on me, rather than focus on the job the Lord gave me. My children.
Andrew texted me something that really made me think. I know it to be true, but we can all use a swift kick in the mom jeans sometimes. He was telling me I was only so frustrated because I had failed expectations.
Nail. On. Head.
You see. Expectations can be the enemy. I know I get the most frustrated, lose patience the easiest, and over react the most when I expect things to go a certain way and they don’t. As moms, things often don’t go the way we plan. Kids don’t do what they are told, they make the same mess for the umpteenth time, they don’t go to bed when they are told, they wake up at night, they refuse to nap, etc etc… but moms, we need to keep our cool. Alone time would be great, quiet would be heavenly, no whining and always listening from the children would be amazing, but it doesn’t always happen.
I’m a mom now, alone time should be appreciated, but not expected. Quiet should be a treasured, but not expected. Whine free days deserve a happy dance, but should not be expected, and kids don’t often listen the first time.
Also, sometimes, when we have failed expectations, we can receive unexpected blessings. Things that would not have happened otherwise. If we are too busy sulking and throwing ourselves a pity party and saying, woe is me, I DESERVE alone time dangit, etc etc, we won’t see them. We will miss out on opportunities with our children because we are too focused on ourselves and throwing a 2 year old temper tantrum because we didn’t get what we wanted. Ironic huh? We tell our children not to do this, we discipline them for it, put them in timeout… but when things don’t go OUR way, we think we DESERVE to be mad? Act like a 2 year old? hmm…. Children mimic what they see. Just sayin’ (I know I hate using that, but I needed it to make a point lol)
This morning God really convicted me. Moments before the girls woke up too early (which holly went back to sleep for over an hour I might add), I was just thinking to myself that now that the girls share a room, I don’t often get one on one time with Katie. We used to snuggle together in my bed when she woke up and Holly was still sleeping. Well, what was happening at that moment? Katie was cuddling up close to me, eventually wrapping her arms around me, her head nuzzled in my chest. Whoa. Yeah. Talk about a kick in the pants. I felt ashamed at that moment and asked the Lord for forgiveness. You see, that cuddling that I had just moments before been craving, would NOT have happened had the girls not awoken early. If I had continued in my rant, I would have missed that opportunity that the Lord so clearly gave me, He was answering the prayer I had just breathed moments before I went ballistic.
Embrace motherhood. Adjust your expectations. Expect failed expectations. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum over them, look for the blessing IN them. I am almost positive there is at least one.