I don’t understand

There are things I somewhat understand and with preparation and learning I can grow to understand more. The are things in this life I feel I understand pretty well and can even teach others about it. There are things I don’t understand and don’t really care to understand or learn about, not meaning that negatively, they are just things that I am not that interested in. Then…

There are many things in this life I wont EVER. EVER. EVER. understand. No matter how hard I try.

I am a Christian. Many of you know this. I trust Christ. I try and follow Christ. His word says:

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I know that he promises to be with us through all things. No matter how hard. How sad. How scary. How frustrating. I know this, and to be honest I don’t really questions this. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt He is with me, at all times. I feel him. I know him. There have been times in my life that there was NO way I would have made it out in one piece if it hadn’t  have been for the prescence of the Lord God I felt carry me through….

But, sometimes I questions the WHY. WHY, GOD, oh WHY do these kinds of things happen. I CANNOT understand. It isnt’ really the “why do bad things happen” that bother me. Well, they do, but I can MORE easily understand murder, and rape, kidnapping, etc…as horrible as they are, more than this. The truth is we are born sinners. We are born selfish. These AWFUL, GRUESOME, TERRIBLE and LOVELESS acts, which do in fact make me physically ill, are a result of that PERSON choosing to do BAD THINGS. It isn’t GOD making them do bad things. God doesnt’ MAKE us do bad things. God doesnt’ make ANYONE do bad things. It’s something we CHOOSE to do. God doesn’t make me worry. I CHOOSE to. God doesn’t make me snap at, yell at, or nag at my sweet husband for no reason. I CHOOSE to do those things. No on makes me. No one makes them. It’s our choice, because we really are born with a selfish nature…

There are things hard for me to comprehend. My father for one. My father committed suicide when I was only 12 year old. My mom, sister, me AND a friend, walked in one day to find him laying on the couch with a plastic bag over his head. As HARD as this was, I really was never MAD at GOD. I did go through a period of being mad at my father, but I believe in my heart, to this day, he snapped. He didnt’ know what was going on or what he was doing. He lost his job. He was prone to worry, depression and anxiety. I dont remember seeing any symptoms. I fully believe when the news of his lay off hit him, he felt hopeless. Being hopeless is a terrible feeling. I know I have hope. I have new found hope in Christ. So, although I miss my father terribly and wish he had NOT made that life changing choice…I kind of understand the WHY. Again, God didnt’ MAKE my father take his life. My father chose to, because of worry and other sinful patterns.

The one thing I will NEVER. EVER. UNDERSTAND. is why, God, WHY do you take a child from this earth BEFORE he or she has even had a chance to LIVE!??? Over the past year I have heard 3 stories, at least, of a baby dying before they were born, or being born with a serious defect and died only hours, or a few days, later. I also know of countless friends who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage. IT. BREAKS. MY. HEART. GOD WHY!? Why do you allow this to happen? I do NOT understand, especially when those it has happened to are loving, caring and kind people. ESPECIALLY when it happens to those who are following YOU. The Bible tells how children are a blessing, so I guess thats why I have such a hard time with things like this… if they are such a blessing, why are they taken?

I realize that we are all God’s. God is the one who gives and the one who takes away. I know the Bible says this too. I know we are HIS. HE made us. HE creates us in HIS image. I realize this, but its still heartbreaking for me to hear these stories. WHY GOD? My ONLY comfort is I TRULY believe these little angels are in heaven. They are being rocked by the one and only. Jesus. They are being loved on by the ULTIMATE Father, God. Even though I do my best to remember this, it doestn’ make the questions go away. It doesn’t make me stop being angry. I admit. I love the Lord with ALL my heart, but these things do make me angry at him sometimes. They do. I know thats ok to be angry, but I dont want to have to be. I dont want these kinds of things to happen. It just seems so….

UNfair, MEAN, UNkind, UNloving, UNjust….

These types of things seem totally opposite to me of what God is. I DO undersatnd some bad things, like I said earlier, because that person chooses to do those awful things, God doesn’t MAKE them….

Part of me also has to hold on to faith that, as the Bible says, GOD WILL USE THESE THINGS. I know God has already used the death of my father in ways I couldnt’ have ever imagined. I have sometimes been the ONLY person who understands about suicide of a parent. I have been the only friend for someone going through it. I was abused by someone I trusted in college, and God has used that as well for me to help others.

So, I have to hold onto the hope of Christ. I have to try and stay faithful and trust, even when my eyes, like they are today, are bawling out tear after tears for these precious families. I pray for them daily. I pray God’s perfect peace will surround them. I pray His loving arms will comfort them. I pray His strength will lift them up, because I know all to well what feeling like you are about to crumble feels like. I know what it feels like to think you can’t make it another day. I know it was GOD who has brought me out of those times, so I am DESPERATELY praying this right now for those who are going through this. I am crying for those who have lost a child recently, for those who never even got a chance to hold their baby, for those who only held their child after they were sleeping and already with Jesus, for those who didn’t seem to have enough time with their children, for those who died only a few days, weeks or months after being born. My heart goes out to those in these circumstancs. My prayers are with you. My love is with you. My anger and non understanding are with you. I cannot IMAGINE going through this. I am so so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

I am desperately praying Romans 8:28 is true. I am praying for you. I know God really IS with you. Even though it may not seem that way….

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

My heart is heavy today. My prayers are with those suffering from loss, especially a sweet woman by the name of Rebecca. I don’t know her personally, but have many friends who do. PLEASE pray for this sweet family. Their sweet boy was born sleeping and is resting with Jesus now. Rebecca, my prayers are with you. I am so sorry. My thoughts, prayers, and love will be with you…

Please, fellow friends, Christians, those who care, those who have mourned this loss before, those who are burdened by this, please pray as well. Support them. Love them. Pray for them…. here is their site…

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cartermichael

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