What I am about to say in this blog, I am sure will have some people questioning if I am doing the right thing, if we are doing the right thing. Let me begin by saying I know 100% that I am called to be a Stay at Home mom. Andrew and I are called the Baltimore area. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. I know in my heart of hearts that being a stay at home mother is the best, and most important (to me anyway!) job in the whole world. I know that following the Lord’s calling to where we are meant to live and what we are meant to do is so important. I do not question any of it. However, just because we follow God’s calling doesn’t mean we won’t ever face hardship, struggles, trials, sadness, etc. In fact, to be honest, when we follow God, we are pretty sure we will face some of these things. These things just happen when we are seeking after God. We will always have those around us who question what we are doing, who don’t agree, who let us down, who are mean to us, who tease us, who berate us, etc. We will always have trials in our lives no matter where we are or what we are doing. The only for sure way to know we won’t have struggles anymore is if we are dead and in heaven! I am pretty sure God is not done with me yet, so for now, I will just have to plow through the tough times the best I can with God on my side. Ok, so now that I have cleared that up, let me share some of what I have been dealing with lately.
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” Psalm 26:15
Being a SAHM can be lonely – Yes, I admit, I have felt pretty lonely lately here. I love Baltimore, OMG I LOVE IT! Honestly the fact we are here is probably the one thing keeping me from TOTALLY being depressed about it. I just love this town and still cannot believe we are where I have ALWAYS wanted to live!!! It’s so amazing to me that the reason God place the desire for Baltimore so strongly in my heart was because He was preparing me to live here! Anyway, despite that, it is HARD. It takes time to build friendships. I have tried. I even have mommy cards, haha. I have met one really sweet friend whom I think we can become good friends. our children are a few months apart and she is just super sweet. I have met another lady whose child is the same age as katie, but she is a SAHM that is ALWAYS doing something. She is super busy and never really has time, so I am not really sure how that friendship will pan out, so that has been a little discouraging to me. I guess sometimes I feel there is something wrong with me. I feel like I meet people whom I think I can be friends with, then for whatever reason, I must scare them off 😦 I have even had some old friends who I was close to where we used to live decide to stop talking to me. I have no idea why or what I did. I have prayed and prayed and God has continued to tell me I have done nothing, He has brought nothing to my mind or heart. Still, I have tried to mend any possible problem, I have called, emailed, etc and never got a reply. I know people are busy, but really? I just want to know you are ok! I know now I have done what God has asked of me in the situation, so I need to let it go, but with already feeling lonely, it really hurt me, it still sometimes hurts me. I love many of the people we have met around here, but many of them are not in the same place in life as Andrew and I, so that makes it hard. I feel like we know alot of “people” but are not close with many. Please be praying for this. Both Andrew and i need a good couple to be friends with. We cannot do this alone. I know lonliness is just a part of life. Everyone goes through it, I am sure, at some point in their life. Like I said, I love where we live, and I also know it takes time to build friendships. However, sometimes I feel like I must scare people away or something is wrong with me.
“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-6
This lead to sometimes having low self confidence – As mothers (SAHM or working), we constantly are faced with issues to test our confidence in ourselves, how we parent, if we are doing the right thing for our kids, how we look, (that women lost all her baby weight in no time, her abs are hard, she’s in a biknini? how come I am still mushy!?) how much can we balance, can we be the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, singer, church member, Christian, you name it, you stack it in your plate. pretty soon your plate has more pancakes than an IHOP stacker! I mean, I know I can be frustrating at times, so I guess don’t really blame people. I drive my poor sweet husband crazy! LOL. Sometimes I feel like I could write a book about my life. I think it could help people. Some of the reason I have confidence problems, worry, anxiety, etc. is from many of the situations in my life. That’s another blog for another time. I know I have shared the college experience some, but I have not share much else. I guess sometimes I am scared I have too much baggage for people to really accept me. Now, as the body of Christ, we are supposed to love everyone and accept those hurting. But, let’s face it. We, as Christians, really are not always the best at this. We judge, we criticize, we put down, we stay away from, we gossip about, etc. I am not an exception, but I have been working on it a lot lately, and thankfully people have said how they feel they can tell me anything and I will still love them. Praise the Lord, I pray that I can always follow Christ in this attitude. It’s a daily struggle due to our selfish nature, but by golly, I will try my dardnest. So, yes, I struggle with lonliness, self confidence (esp with the added pregnancy hormones! My face is breaking out, hair is whack (and it is already fine to begin with and I have always hated it) and am still in the “just feel fat and ugly” stage of pregnancy LOL.
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” Ephesians 5:33
This blog is already long, sorry, I have one last confession. I really believe that those who are seeking to truly follow Christ, especially those called to ministry, or sharing the gospel, will have Satan totally try and destroy their family. He doesn’t like unity. He doesn’t like the fact we are sharing Christ’s love. In fact, he HATES it. it makes him shudder. He will do anything and everything to keep us from sharing the love of Christ, from sharing God’s love, truth and wants to keep us from brining people to Christ. So, let’s just say Andrew and I are not always the nicest to each other sometimes. I know, I know, all couples argue, nitpick, etc. That’s a normal part of marriage! I love Andrew with every fiber of my being, but we can both definately tell that we are being attacked sometimes. Heck, I KNOW that is why I am worrying about such ridiculous things. Andrew teases me “If you are worried about it, I know it’s nothing to worry about” LOL. Well, to be honest, he is probably right. Satan knows he can get to me through placing lies in my mind, which in turn leads me to push Andrew away by worrying. I hate that. I am trying soooo hard, but some days I fail miserably. I think being a SAHM can sometimes make things harder. I have all day to sit and “worry” or think up things, so then when andrew gets home, I unload everything on him, which isn’t fair to sweet Andrew. Even if they are not worries, right now, I am kinda of depending on Andrew to not only be my husband, but my “girl buddy” as well, which definately isn’t fair. So, to be honest, Andrew and I are working through how to better communicate with each other. We have had alot of stress factors in our lives the past couple years. Check this out: We got pregnant, we put our house on the market, took it off the market, put it back on the market, sold it, had no where to live, had to find a place to temporarily live 1.5mth before Katie was born, we had a baby, Andrew got a salary paycut, Andrew got laid off, We used up our savings, we moved across the country, we are in a new home, new people, new environment, to be honest, a new culture, Andrew got a new job,we moved again, Andrew is now working 2 jobs to make ends meet, We got pregnant (thats an exciting one! 🙂 ) we are still striving towards planting a church. I mean heck, in the past year we have moved THREE times! So, let’s just say we are still both on edge. Becomming a SAHM is wonderful, but it does make you have to work extra hard to keep the relationship with your husband sacred. Sometimes I am so used to wiping noses, bottoms, feeding her, taking care of her, talking toddler talk to her, etc, that I forget how to be a wife. We are both still working on this. . .
So, there you go. I just wanted to put these out there to be honest. I want my blog to help and encourage. I know christ is with me, and He is with you all as well! No matter what we face, we can handle them with Christ! How much I relish that thought. THANK GOODNESS! LOL, if I didn’t have Christ in my life I think I would go insane, more so than I already am, lol. Anyway, I wanted to share these things to hopefully let some others mommies (stay at home or not) they are not alone in some of the things they feel. I this helped some of you today. God bless all of you mothers (and fathers!) out there!
“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9